Getting back to writing...

So, I took a break. Needed too. I was getting  slightly upset about life in general, reality television was beginning to make me question if our world was losing our sanity.

I have come to the conclusion that in some cases...yes, we are.

But I am hopeful.

So be on the lookout, new things are coming.

Finishing up some projects, a book, and the blogs I write on for two sites: Girls on the Run and the Ardmoreite.

So check back soon, as I said...new things are a coming.

Melissa Hines project, OTHER OPTIONS, INC., LIFESAV"R, local schools, churches, and even simply you...

 

Bell of Safe Harbor

Copyright Kristi Crutfield Cox, 2013





There is alot of debate on which groups are effective or ineffective in the administration of services, and personally folks, I think we do need to discuss more and develop more effective ways of how we respond to crisis and catastrophe and distribution of services. But that day is not today...

 I am getting info from folks, and since I am not on Facebook, the ONLY way is either through first hand experience such as yesterday, wear I bore witness to what was directly infront of me and then heard firsthand the actual survivors' stories... OR through people letting me know who THEY are working with that is getting the items, shelter, and medical care directly to the people who need them.. So in a moment, I will tell you more about the groups whose names have been passed on to me as being DIRECTLY, ACTIVELY AND EFFECTIVELY getting items from point A to PERSON IN NEED.

MELISSA HINES PROJECT, OKC, HAS FACEBOOK PAGE-sent to me by my sister who knows of families already helped by this group.

OTHER OPTIONS, INC. Mary Buckle have a friend who reported they are helping folks. Also, has helped autistic affiliated families

LIFESAV'R, INC, OKC My sister and a crew are out transporting, digging, and collecting and delivering.

ELK CITY SCHOOLS-Sent to me by a friend who was requesting items.

ARDMORE CITY SCHOOLS Have been contacted by Marcy King after telling her about experience with Moore shelter and outlets for resources. Was then also followed up with by Sabre Emde to identify the resource location I had worked at.

JOURNEY CHURCH in Norman, hometown Ardmoretite of the Williams family, they have two daughters from Ardmore, Shelly and Debbie, I am not sure which one is affiliated with church but a coworker had been in contact with them and they have clothing available, however news media have reported inaccurately that they had other items as well. Please contact them first to find out what items and services they have. Now, I have tried to reach the person who told me the name to verify if I have it correct so if I have it wrong let me know.

FIRST BAPTIST CHURCH of MOORE on I 35 and 27th st. I worked at this one.

Folks, contact the people you know, look on Facebook, and find out who is actively helping and then make contact and get the goods to them.

Also, check out your local businesses, schools, and also be aware that we need a wide range of services organizations and individuals to offer help.

Make sure you give to LGBTQ groups  as well as other diversity oriented groups in OKC area as the reality is, discrimination, even in times of need, it occurs. People have been turned away from  at least one source which will not be named but SHAME on you, they were turned away because of their sexual orientation. And NO, it was not the one we were working at. I would have thrown a fit if it had been.

The folks turned away from the unamed place happened to be a gay couple, who ALSO were tornado survivors.

REALLY.

So make sure that us who KNOW all people have a right to life, liberty, and happiness PERIOD, also  include and give to groups supporting LGBTQ families:

PFLAG of Norman, if you contact them I have NO doubt they can direct you to a LBGTQ supportive collection group. Kay Holiday is a very cool kat who is a fierce supporter and a spirit to be reckoned with!
OKC Youth United...LGBTQ youth are very driven and passionate and activist oriented. That equals help to folks.
OTHER OPTIONS. INC (4013C) Mary Arbuckle, first hand account they are helping folks. Also, has helped autistic affiliated families.
LIFESAV'R, INC.

Also don't forget our furry and all types of animal friends! (think food of all kinds, specialty food for older dogs, blankets, kitty litter, medicine and vet treatments too)

SECOND CHANCE ANIMAL SANCTUARY, NORMAN, OK
CLEVELAND COUNTY FAIRGROUNDS DONATION DROP OFF
ANIMAL RESOURCE CENTER ON I25 and 40.
OKLAHOMA HUMANE SOCIETY, Western Ave.

I have given you a start, but folks, look on Facebook, talk to your friends, check your local businesses and you will find people who are helping directly. Some people are having fundraisers for friends even.

People need tennis shoes in all sizes, women, mens, and kids. They needs socks, full size blankets and pillows, clothing, ALL sizes. Especially larger sizes. Pants, pajama bottoms due to lots of folks having injuries, bottles for kids, suture kits for medical sites that are treating the carryover for hospitals. Peroxide and alcohol. Places to stay, beds to sleep in, rooms to feel safe in.

And remember, you can buy a gas card, a gorcery card, and simply walk into a shelter, observe for a few minutes, in fact stop and help even, and then find a person, watch their face, see their children playing at their feet, and or maybe an older person simply holding a blanket around their body after having lost everything...and when you walk over and put your help in their hand...well you know they got it.

We need to make sure we and those we are around are treating the people in need with dignity and respect and be able to recognize when they are not. We need to be aware everyone can't connect and help everyone, and sometimes in those moments, we do harm we don't intend. And maybe there is someone else who can talk to and help them better than you, so be the one to help them get there, to that person.

And finally,

 I have learned that you can survive the catastrophe, but it is how the process and experience of feeling safer and more secure happens that really determines whether a survivor then becomes a victim. I have not actually ever stood there and lost my home, but after seeing the effects on a persons face, the emotional scars, the fear, the helplessness, anger, confusion, hope...and lost hope...I can tell you that  making sure no resource or time is wasted and that all our folks are given what they need...

its a basic need...

to even begin to have a glimpse of hope.

Give smart, give much, and give now.

Oklahoma Recovery, Buddhist Doctors, First Baptist Church of Moore, HALO Therapy dogs, International Therapy Dogs and Moore police and fire department

Peace 

Copyright 2013,

Kristi Crutchfield Cox

 

 

Just now, the sky darkened, the natural light that normally illuminates my home, almost seemed as if someone had put a cover over it, blocking out visibility. My heart quickened its pace, one text came through on my phone....

 

"Take shelter now".

 

Monday ravaged our state. Tuesday threatened us again. Being the industrious folks we are, we headed out, looking for where we could be helpful. Driving back through the debris, homes smashed, photos laying about, clothes waving in breeze, we saw one after another of folks picking up trash, hugging one another, supplies being moved. In the distance, we saw a church, and lots and lots of vehicles and insurance trucks. We drove off the highway across the grass to get to the service road, exiting on 27th, before getting to the Warren theatre where briefings and media chaos apparently were.

 

We found a sanctuary.

First Baptist Church of Moore, I 35 and 27th St.

 

I am not religious, I am spiritual.

 

Walking in, we simply went to the first person who looked official and said "Hi, here are our credentials, we are here and we are counselors. We have shovels, gloves, masks and strong shoes. "Where do you need us?"

 

We passed a desk, moved into an atrium area, and saw tables, people moving about, signs for showers available, and a medical center off to our right. A man passed  by, his arms loaded with bags of food and clothing, a young girl held onto his hand as he clutched his world in his arms.

 

Every First Baptist Church of Moore volunteer was very busy. They were bringing food, sorting clothes, holding the hand of a survivor. They were playing with kids who were learning to laugh again.

 

They were finding showers for folks who still wore the clothes they fled in. They prayed with some who sought the comfort of God.

 

I noticed the prayer beads on her wrist. Her slight frame moving quickly from first one then another, checking a wound, listening for the heart beat. Her energy stayed constant, calming as she moved into greeting and tending to the lost, the confused, and the temporarily broken.

 

I found it beautiful that a Buddhist doctor was the  triage savior in a Baptist church.

 

Apparently, religions can coexist in tragedy and hope.

 

Keystone foods served up tacos, burgers, and sandwiches all day, never stopping. Beverly's Chicken brought soul food.

 

Moore Police brought smiles to folks, offering support. Moore Fire Department arrived with emegency help. They even stopped to make a baby smile.

 

Furry heads walked around, they wore vests and their vests had purpose. HALO Therapy Dogs and International Therapy dogs and their handlers walked among children and adults, offering love and comfort, smiles, and cold noses that nudged reluctant hands, till a peace settled as an exchange of animal and human understanding emerged...connected.

 

I originally posted this as a narrative of observations from the day, I am altering these to reflect what others at different sites said about what they observed to protect the people I met this day.

 

Fingers rubbed raw from pulling bricks and mortar, faces relieved when they felt a hand grasp theirs and whisper..."can I help you?"

 

Some sat quitely, looking at no one. Struggling with allowing the hand reaching out and yet yearning to grasp it, to feel they had a friend.

  

I witnessed a deep long certainty in God's grace in both voice and on faces etched by time and wisdom, their faith echoed in their words of comfort to their families.

 

I felt my own anger at God.

 

People held strangers as they cried, becoming connected in their souls.

 

And eventually, found a small, small kernal of hope.

 

Many that I met and heard about from others around the city, from volunteer to survivor had lost everything but their lives. Some lost loved ones. The only pictures left were on phones. People recounting what their homes had looked like, of first homes bought, of beds they had saved for to buy their children. Of flower beds and memories. Of their children's awards that hung on walls.

 

Of lives scattered.

 

Of hiding in bathrooms, of feeling roofs lift, of storm shelter doors flying open, of screaming and terror.

 

Of realizing they had lived. Of walking for miles injured, because they could not drive their cars, of large objects hitting their heads, their hands touching the spot.

 

Of asking people in vests who looked official with names that are supposed to mean "help". Of being told, "here's a number to call, you have to go to this place, we don't have that."

 

Of alot of good intentions but scattered management.

 

First Baptist Church of Moore on 27th and I 35 became a haven.

 

Food, shelter and medical help were there, coordinated by this church and other area organizations.

 

And even just people showing up to help.

 

Were there moments of frustration?

 

Yep.

 

I saw a nurse run from one "emergency relief vehicle" which will remain unamed, then to another looking for thermometers and more medical supplies. While they looked like ambulances, they had nothing useful in them. I saw another counselor walk up to someone in a vest who had a walkie talkie asking if they could radio for supplies... and then walk on to the next person to ask. One vested man sat down heavily, the weight of every call he had made, every radio sqwuak sent, of supplies needed but difficult to locate.

 

 We started calling and posting on Facebook to find what we needed.

 

 And by the end of the day, the Buddhist doctor who had worked relentlessly from 2Am till night, finally got back up.

 

Maybe relief groups should start coordinating with WILLING hotels for immediate housing with tax deduction and room coverage so basic housing is covered. Maybe FEMA should have an actual table and computer to take info, not hand out a card to confused scared folks.

 

The insurance adjusters lined up to sign in. They immediately took folks, sat them down, gave coffee, water, and said "what can we do to help you".

 

In the meantime...regular people, houses of worship, facebook groups, radio stations, schools, and regualar folks standing in line at convenience stores were taking care of our own.

 

And in the folks we met, I saw the amazing strength and beauty of survival, love, and helping each other.

 

To all my fellow Oklahomans, to those I met yesterday, to those driving Uhauls with supplies, to those manning churches, to those on rescue crews, to the police trying to manage chaos on the streets and to those just showing up as individuals and asking..where can we help...thankyou and peace and love.

 

And to the survivors...we love you, we are here, and you are not alone.

 

Be safe, peace and love from Oklahoma,

 

Kristi Cox, aka

The Patriotic Hippie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Oklahoma: Obama's Moment for Grace

Rainbow following storm 5/20/13 copyright Kristi Crutchfield Cox

Our state has been horribly ravaged. Some, in the midst of our tragedy, have reportedly focused on our having been less than supportive of FEMA funding in our national voting. We voted all precincts red last election. (For the record, there are some blue folks here too.) Our President flew into our state once; I am not sure more than a handful of our elects made the time to go welcome him.

And now we need him to have more Grace for us than we have shown him.

A great President overlooks his "children-states" immaturities in times of catastrophe and builds the bridge for better relationships.

President Obama, we need your help and thankyou sir. We have lost children, parents, workers, relatives, homes, and entire families and livelihoods. We have some idiots right now who are looting. And yet, a line winds down a road, light after light showing car after car of locals and out of state visitors who are bringing water, food, clothing, blankets...offering hope, love, and caring. We are showing up in our trucks and ATV's, watching out for one another. We are walking among debris looking for our lost. We are holding the hands of our neighbor when we find what we feared. We are literally carrying one another to safety.

For all that the nation and world thinks of Oklahoma...we are fierce, proud, humble, and strong. We already have local groups gathering supplies, churches opening doors, buisnesses donating supplies and food, schools collecting donations, all over the state. We have individuals helping individuals while standing in line.

And right now we are hurting.

 I know many other states have had catastrophes and watching the storms, there are possibly more to come. I wish this wasn't all on your watch. I wish all who are facing more storms locally and nationwide both safety and peace.

Survival and life.

We will pull ourselves up, we always do.

I appreciate the support and help you can offer. I appreciate the thoughts and prayers of our fellow citizens of the United States. I hope our future interactions as a state, nation and President become a better relationship and more united country.

Thankyou.

An Oklahoman

Powerball and John and Laura Arnold

Last night, headed to a belated birthday party, and running a bit late, my husband and I made sure to make one stop. POWERBALL. Odds one in a gazillion, a word that elicits childhood laughter at such a silly sounding word and as an adult, seems to be linked to dollar signs.

We bought our chance, picking up three scratch offs. I feel embarassed when I buy scratch offs, the frenetic scraping of the silver smear of hidden treasures seems to relay a message easily obvious to the world.

I want a break, period.

Apparently, I am not alone.

A woman cashier, who was quoted in a yahoo article on last night's powerball as follows:

Seema Sharma doesn't seem to think so. The newsstand employee in Manhattan's Penn Station purchased $80 worth of tickets for herself. She also was selling tickets all morning at a steady pace, instructing buyers where to stand if they wanted machine-picked tickets or to choose their own numbers.

"I work very hard — too hard — and I want to get the money so I can finally relax," she said. "You never know."

Associated Press Radio Correspondent Julie Walker and AP writers Jeffrey Collins in Columbia, S.C., Betsy Blaney in Lubbock, Texas, Russ Bynum in Savannah, Ga., John Rogers in Los Angeles and Verena Dobnick in New York contributed to this report

And that is where we have come to in our society. We have become a world where relax isn't  possible with a "working life". For some of us, our jobs don't wipe out every last breath of our physical energy level, but the toll it takes on our minds seems to deplete our resources for more creative pursuits and better quality of home life. For others, the physical toll renders them old before their time and bitter at the diminishing pay off financially for their literal blood and sweat.

Unfortunately tears happen alot in both worlds.

And then there are those who want to work, but struggle in finding work for the long list of reasons that seem to populate various stories. Some places have no jobs period, other places have so many applicants that it is easy to be replaced. In other states, folks are working and excelling, yet slowly discovering the cycle has become tiring.

Are there those for whom it all seems to work out in plentiful? Yes. Some are just lucky and some, well they work seriously hard and are very smart. Like the Houston couple, John and Laura Arnold, they are an interesting facet of extreme money and extreme interest in truly evaluating the larger efforts needed to possibly effect change in the direction and development of our world.

He made his money through obviously being very perceptive in patterns and divergant comparison of information.

And he did his homework.

Together this equalled unparalleled success.

And now they have alot of money and total freedom to decide where they want to invest it.

I respect their approach, alot of people though are angry about it, some say they need the money for groups they serve, others just want it. Just like anything, kindness and purpose have two sides; the one which is true in purpose and process and those that use kindess as a cover.

So it seems the Arnolds are taking great care to evaluate and  find and offer help to those groups which seem true in intent and well thought and aware in their meaning and method of reaching goal. As a side note, after reading another yahoo article about artificial intelligence i.e. robots taking over our jobs, I thought about Mr. Arnold. A robot could be built to do exactly what he did. Research, compile and cross reference the widest range of contributing factors to given subject outcomes in order to predict accurately effect and result. A good use of intelligence in trouble shooting and yet, then it becomes less a human skill and more a skill field lost to technology. And possibly more folks out of work.

But that was kind of squirrel moment on my part...back to subject.

I wonder if the world could be as brave in changing what they do?

We seem caught, as if given a pop test and told it makes up our entire grade. Confused and angry and lost. Our American dream we had embraced has been ripped to shreds for some. Unfortunately, that "sum" is larger than the whole in volume. Have you noticed the level of escapism in our tv viewing? And we keep creating more and more way to escape at any time in any place, from a  seated position. I had a male tween once tell me "my generation figured out what your generation never could...how to travel the world and do anything without leaving the couch".

I really felt sad for him. So many things cannot be truly experienced at all in a virtual reality world. I think we have the ability to make some real changes. The Arnolds prefer gualitative and quantitaive studies and groups. Unfortunately, I am neither.  More a lay person of social reform and more fulfilling and creative development of a city, state, country, and world. Over the next few weeks, I'll tackle areas and share thougths and ideas about ways to work towards a healthier world. But briefly;

Education: Man, I wish that "No Child Left Behind" would have been less about testing regulations and percentage of mastery increases as a means of evaluating education and more about recognizing that the reality is, not every child at all is going to meet what we TRADITIONALLY perceive as an education. I wish the kids I have worked with, who have various spectrum disorders or emotional and behavioral needs or intense learning disabilities could have schools that better met their educational needs; which would be DIFFERENT from the TRADITIONAL school design...our current approach to public school is not meeting their developmental, physiological, and emotional needs. nor can they really, not the way they are currently set up.. I wish kids who were obviously, consistently, never varying in this outcome, uninterested in TRADITIONAL school could be shifted into a skill training program or military field so they could learn a usable functional skill which opens up a whole different educational field for them. I wish our creative artist types could have an environment that continues to build this out of the box approach to learning. Our musicians, bands, and orchestra minded students, hallways filled with the world mix of sounds wrapped overlaied with good ole reading, writing, and arithmatic. Our science and math students linked to our local research facilities for internships in middle and highschool. That our communities could coordinate local businesses for ongoing internships from the time a teen was in tenth grade.

And why can't 14 year olds work? Child Labor laws were very needed when we worked children till they died, stealing them from families and taking them to cities; slave labor. But folks, have you talked with the latest 13 or fourteen year old. Their world is about items; stuff with name brands, latest techie release, very expensive objects. And as much as we wish we could have them valuing nature, the sound of silence (Simon and Garfunkle-check them out), and the appreciation of having not, these kids are hungry for money and to work. My generations $43.00 Guess jeans are this generations entire wardobe and life times ten. Most common question I am asked by 12 and up..."do you know anyone that hires my age?".

And they are bitter sometimes folks....BITTER at what they do not have. And the less money their adult who is caring for them has...the deeper that anger seems to go. And then they become adults, who grew up watching tv shows where people lived out their dreams due to an audition, reality show miasma of instant fame, they become adults either chasing it or ruefully wondering why they didn't get theirs. Time Life recently ran an article citing the "millennials" as a version of what the "uber rich" of old times were like. Extremely entitled, bored easily, stimulant oriented...basically a three year old. And this is what can both offer hope and hindrance, depending on the way these characteristics are shaped.

Fierce inventors of change and new discoveries come from folks who are wired like this.

But many more are simply annoying because they have all the attitude without the inherenet drive or talent.

The toss up is hard.

And public assistance...permanent alimony...

So much we need to really develop the ability to communicate and understand better in order to truly make positive and healthy needed changes. Those topics are for another day.

But quality of life, freedom to enjoy life, and the ability to do so...these are subjective questions needing qualitative and quantitative answers.

No wonder Powerball is so popular.

In the end...we all want to be able to breathe and relax.

Welcome to the new American Dream.

CBS This Morning--Response

I am unsure of the younger man's name speaking on the CBS Morning show regarding the gun debate, but I wanted to take a moment and compliment him and his approach in trying to explain and reshape the debate. He made two points though, I wanted to address. One, he is right, east and north coast folks are very different than folks living in the south, alhough having known many people who live on both coasts, I know more than a few who feel that owning and having a right to a gun is a completely normal, non hick right. But his point is closer to making sense than than anything else I have heard; the way the gun control folks are speaking make it sound like ALL guns should be gone. And yes, in an ideal world where there is not violence of the sort that might require a final "stop moving towards me and hurting me" shot, then no guns would be fine. Ofcourse, rocks would be lethal, sticks, pushing someone off an edge, or, as the soccer player you featured in your follow up story, a fist can deploy a lethal shot. So how do we decide which fist is an AK-47 and which is more of a small BB gun? You get the point. That being said, gun owners have to face a reality...as does the rest of America. There are people who do not have the development, the social connection based feelings and behaviors or social skills to feel a part of society and over time this alineation and the hurts we, as humans inevitably cause others to feel becomes a toxic mix of decision making that unfortunately results in massacres with guns as the weapon. Additionally, some people who are very good people, sometimes become so overwhelmed and stressed that they simply snap. Parents are reluctant to admit "my child, whether grown adult child or child in home, has issues" and from there make the decision they do not need any guns in home, no matter how much saftey they teach. But beyond parents, there are also friends, spouses, bosses, co worker, etc. who often are front line int the warning signs of a breakdown or dangerous thought process. And we, as a whole, have been less than willing to have those discussions until after something heinous occurs. But the definition of mentally ill is tricky. Anyone who has been giving a medication for anxiety is considered mentally ill. Well, there goes 3/4 of our country. And this definition is going to change even more, because we have an emerging base whose front temporal lobe which handles impulse and judgement, is being changed. In other words, all our lovely technology is rapidly reducing the ability for folks to be patient..after all click click and I get what I want immediately. So we now have alot of people with low frustration levels...think two year old tantrums. Now make those tantrums on teens and adults of all ages. Makes me wonder ofcourse about another point he made, that "Republicans and Democrats ACT different, they behave different" This is a concept I am going to write about more in an essay, but I'll throw it out here as well, maybe he is really on to something. Folks drawn towards "religiosity" tendencies are more rigid. Republicans have attracted that base for a very long time, so it stands to reason their leadership would be made of this type of mentality and leaning, one of a more rigid, black/white line, all or nothing mentality; mental illness is something they cannot grapple with because unfortunately, the truth is, many of them would fail the background check on a psych eval (to be fair, so would democrats, and everyone else). Reality is that most all of us would. The idea that there is a clear cut "normal mind" and an abnormal mind is just a warm and fuzzy myth we like in our world so that there is a clear "us" and "them".  Democrats, as a melting pot of sometimes misguided compassion with no internal regulation, can't move through the arguement to find an agree point on the necessary element of guns in our world. For the record, I am a gun owning Democrat in Oklahoma. I am a therapist and I have my carry and conceal. I do not take my gun to work because our law in our field forbids it. I work with folks though, that sometimes exhibit the types of behavior and thought patterns that make gun control advocates shiver as they imagine the scenarios. Wake up call folks, we all work with these people, because on any given day, that person becomes us. Are some guns unnecessary? Sure, on our street, today, with the sun out, and law and order in effect overall, sure. If the metaphorical rise of social zombies (yep zombies, I so used them as an example) and breakdown of society between the impoverished and the "have more than anyone ever needed in a lifetime (or ten)" keep colliding and if our social structure broke down and a hundred people were racing towards me in a death match moment, then the Ak-47 or that Bushwacker might have merit. The reality is, our fear of that moment and our very real fear of a government that we don't fully always understand nor trust, regardless of the fact that government is "for the people and by the people, and in essence are the people" makes the words "gun control" sound much more like "we take your right to protect you and your family". So the young man is right, the wording is wrong. But when do we move beyond to finding out why we are dissolving into a much crueler society, our children are relentless in their torturing of one another, and parents throw fits at the schools for "getting on their poor baby" when their poor baby is a prima donna popular kid tormenting another child gleefully. Or their kid is the quiet, introverted game playing child who one day, due to mixing fantasy and reality too much, decides to take the game on for real. (Sorry game makers, your full of #$%*!, the military trains with these games, they desensitize the response system over time, and they train in military defense and attack training, I have ten year olds that know more gun types, bullets, and swat modes than you can imagine...they didn't pick it up on Sesame Street) But again, it is the parents who bought the game and not all children will use the video game as a training manual for a later crime) At some point, we have to stop arguing and start having real conversations. Conversations about what is happening in the brains of our emerging generations. Discussions of how true mental illness works and how it effects the mind and judgement, and then carefully evaluate the most obvious who should probably never own any guns because of psychosis versus someone with anxiety who took a valium once for surgery. But don't forget folks...circumstances can make anyone "temporarily insane". And that, in the end is what makes this whole debate so hard. Finding that one  line or characterstic that keeps us all safe from "them". Earlier I said I had my carry and conceal, a year ago we had some guys who apparently were involved in a  shooting a few blocks over. I woke up at three A.M. to dogs barking, opened the curtains, and roughly three feet past my window were three males. At first, I thought they were walking in the sprinklers to cool off because that seemed totally logical at 3:00 am. Its Oklahoma, its hot here. Then the young man swung his arm forward and I saw a gun my mind could only register from movies...as my husband asked what was wrong all I could muster was "spraying gun", because that is how the gun acts, it sprays continual bullets. Now we live in a historic area, very nice area, good homes, good people, safe streets. But a young woman had moved into her mother's old home and brought her friends into our world, and her friends apparently like shooting at one another as an activity on a Saturday night. I can tell you that I did not remember to grab a gun, I walked through my house to find a phone, got physically ill when my husband said they were in our driveway just as the operator told me there had been a shooting, and threw up as I felt that feeling I had only read about prior, "cold fear" coursed through my body. When I returned from the bathroom, my husband was gone. He had only heard "spraying" apparently and thought they were messing with our sprinklers. Again, its 3 A.M., we recognize we had a communication error. He ran out, confronted them with his finger basically telling them to get down now. They thought he had a gun and dropped to the ground. Fairly quickly they realized he didn't and they took off. Neither of us ever grabbed a gun. Both carry and conceal certified. Both pro gun. Both southern hicks right? Let's remember, those boys had a gun, and in that moment, even scared, being chased, and trapped for a moment...they didn't shoot him. And maybe that's where the debate gets stuck. For every clear cut moment of misuse and calamity of guns and people run amock, there are those moments where things are handled differently that define "reckless and thoughtless behavior" with a line of clarity in mindful intent and mindful choice in action.

Maybe the guns are the sympton to our problem. In counseling, people often bring their child in who is "having problems". Sometimes the child really is hard wired in a  way that maybe is not fixable, no pills, no treatment, nothing is gonna change or alter how this child acts, thinks, or responds. Other times, the family structure, the environment they exist in daily, those are more the contributing factors.  When we are lucky, we can help change that world enough to help the child stabilize themelves and from there start to make healthier response and coping skills. I would argue that the adult version of gun violence run amuck probably starts with similar elements.

 Psych evals scare people. They feel like there is some deep seated thing the world will know about them that will brand them outside of society. And why not have this fear? I would not want the government to have a record on me like that at all. Not because I am hiding anything, but because government is made up of people, and people, to quote Tommy Lee Jones in "Men in Black" are "dumb, scared animals". Look at polygraph tests...(I am not an expert on these so please throw everything I say out the window when an expert shows up)Polygraph tests work on the bodies response system; ie sweating, pulse rate, breathing and changes in these once a base line is found. Well, for someone who has the genetic wiring to have a high fight or flight response system which can lead to them having a high sense of guilt/shame response, even when they have done NOTHING wrong, these folks will fail a polygraph. I would fail a polygraph and probably admit to something I didn't do because I am wired for feeling responsible for everything. So if polygraphs can incarcerate the innocent...you can understand the fear about a psych eval. But we have to start somewhere and there are some factors we know are common in some of these crimes. Isolation, lots of technology, disconnection from social and family interactions, loss...the list can go on depending on how many gun crimes you want to examine. So maybe, figuring out how to focus on the contributing factors; bringing kindness, finding out how to engage people (ex Big Bang Theory-all those characters we love--they are the description of one end, the healthy end, of a psychological makeup as well as a genetic makeup that has been found in some of the mass shooters--amazing what friendships and being understood and finding a place in the world and meaningful work can do to a person huh?) All that warm fuzziness of how we treat one another has a point. And we are overlooking it.

Well, anyway, this started as a short comment and became a long essay. In an hour, I go to work in a field where the very people our legislators and action groups are debating, will come into my office, sit down, and chat about life, stress, trauma...and we will try and find some solutions. I won't be carrying a gun. But make no mistake...I am a "Clint Eastwood"-raised on the original "Red Dawn"" type gal with a Charleston Heston mantra..."You won't get my gun till you pry it from my cold dead hands"...any questions?

                                                           Toes, the "warrior dog"
                                                            copyright 2013 Kristi Crutchfield Cox

Infrequent Coarse Language

 "Unknown but captivating Sculptor's Piece"

Photo taken by Kristi Crutchfield Cox, 2013



Abby Lee Dance Company comes with a warning label noted as "infrequent coarse language" followed by "Reality". For those who are unaware of the premise of the this latest vestige of passive aggressive displays of relational aggression among women paired with twisted notes of an almost Pavlovian response of our society...please check out a few episodes. You will watch the mothers behave in ways they would ground their daughters for acting like. The concept of "standing up for oneself" advocated, yet often eroding into a display of screaming, threatening, and insulting exchanges as female bonding and coexistence.

And then there's Abby Lee. Who walks back and forth between empowering the young girls...and then verbally scaring the shit out of them. One word and they either smile or deteriorate.

 Some harden.

Maddie.

She has learned to thrive under this tutelage.

Each of them are stunning in what they are capable of. Each have their own arresting element that hints at how their personality shapes their style. When you actually watch them interpret, sway, leap, or aerial across the stage once can see they truly have a mastery of their talent at a very young age.

I figure Abby Lee is the type of coach that the Olympics Gymnastics became notorious for.

And for some reason, this pressured coaching will push the best to the top.

But how many get destroyed in the process of forcing that cream to the top?

Chloey has her own style that mesmerizes. But I worry her mother may break, and Chloey needs her mother to simply support her, not have fights with the other mothers. And the women are so anxious; feeling the ground shifting under them, being on TV and competing and having feedback from strangers shaping them  quickly as they try to find a way to feel a sense of how to handle and navigate this scrutiny, mixed with almost being pitted against their daughters in the quest to keep them ahead of the game.

One girl hurt her foot. She almost looked relieved.

Her mother was willing to risk it to keep her in the act...or so it seemed. Maybe that was simply a crafty cut and paste job by the editing crew, shaping our impressions of this evolving world of how people behave.

It is disturbing, the manner in which these young ladies who are only beginning to move from the reaction of "ooh gross boys" to "boys-gotta have em", are skimming the edges of evocative by using contortion gymnastics as a genre of dancing while wearing a fedora and  halter top with booty shorts . A Brittneyesque woman's voice croons "I Know What You Want".  A mother's reaction was concern over the dance not being "hip hop enough".  Abby's was over the girls "not showing me fire, they showed me lukewarm".

 The girls themselves looked awkward, suspended between being talented dancers who can emulate many styles versus trying to dance in a fashion unfamiliar and to words whose stated intent is sex.

Why am I relieved they didn't pull off this dance?

Why am I disturbed that the mothers applauded.

 During the song, "We Flew Kites Together" a male voice speaks softened words of lost moments in a relationship that is now gone. The girls danced strongly and the music mesmerized and yet the result was haunting: little girls in blue dresses with bruises and black eyes displaying a dance of violence against themselves and others as the male voice ends with "we never flew kites together". I get shock value...but really?

Do they understand the meaning? Is there meaning? Is it saying the lack of a father figure being interactive, interested and present as a reason for why a woman stays in an abusive relationship?

Listening to the words alone, it evoked a sense of regretting the lost moments of a relationship and mourning that. 

And yet, I wonder if it will be what they remember? Will this dance help them walk away from when they encounter abuse themselves or through their friendships...did Abby in essence empower them in this?

Why aren't the mothers' disturbed? Abby is very artistic and although no, she is not really a hip hop teacher, she is talented in her preferred style. (See hip hop episode 1/1/13, TLC Dance Moms' Show for all above mentioned episodes, it was a marathon show day)  The new mother Kiya stood her ground just now with the mothers. I think she will only be on a few episodes. She does not seem wired for games.

These shows seem to bring out the immature understanding or either a very perplexing testament to the new value system of our society ie..."bad behavior wins"  type version of the rules of "Art of War" and "Who moved my Cheese" manner of life and relationship negotiation meets "Desperate Housewives" in behavior and mentality, and unfortunately, more often then not, in their rationality...or lack their of. They are ruthless and then supportive; banding together, than annihilating one another, their boundaries continue to slide in how they treat one another, and how they show their girls about how adult women handle themselves.

We all have had those moments, times, friendships, experiences, decisions, whatever you want to list there...where our worst is brought out. Sometimes it may take us repeat encounters until we finally learn and evolve in how we think, act, behave and exist in this world. How we handle stress and people and life.

And folks, our overall examples of a "Day in the Life of America"  as being displayed by television programming is...a bit haywire.

I look up, the sound of two of the girls singing interrupts my thoughts. They are making a video, says the brunette who I am still learning the names and background of since I actually don't watch this show very often simply because of the fact that there is really not allot of dancing actually shown and due to the near perfect attendance pattern of the show featuring arguing, screaming, immature tantrum throwing, entitlement, vicious and insecurely competitive based behavior.

Again, we have all had our time where a situation brought out he worst in us...unfortunately what we underestimate is the collision and collateral damage experienced by those who play games being thrown in with those who don't play games and then how people evolve their own behavior from there. What becomes the majority? Navigating relationships seem to be more minefield driven on TV. And it seems to be becoming more widespread. The behavior has always existed, consider the eighties cult hit movie "Heathers" and "Jawbreaker". "Mean Girls".  The book "Queen Bees and Wanna Bees" Erickson's "Games People Play".

Hell...consider the Bible or any other religious text examining human  nature. I just wonder, why, when pressure and stress rise do we not communicate and work together more rather than  becoming alienated and disconnected.

I wonder how much this "Schoolyard rules written by modern day society" are really shaping and reshaping or youth...and even more appallingly, our adults.

Two girls still believe the world will be kind.

They posted a video of themselves singing, while in their room, with a camera person watching them. Maybe more were in the room, maybe not. I imagine the mother was not there, not in that moment. The girls have a certain...casualness with one another never present when the mothers are videoed.  Maybe the mom is at work, maybe making dinner. On second thought, she is probably updating her fan and Facebook pages.

The singing girl just looked into the camera announcing her reason as "wanting to see if people think I'm good".

I am worried she will shortly learn that the term "haters" refers to someone who really is mean in what and how they let you know what they think. The reasons may very, but the result is often a series of increasingly cruel, vulgar, and even threatening comments by disembodied names practicing  our increasingly irresponsible use of free speech.

I know this has been a theme in reality television since "Real World" took a divergent path from the  reflection of real lives and began a revolution of exploring reality television in a manner that had rarely been done beyond academic and edgy art house documentaries previously.

Documentaries that become popular evolve into a type of docu-reality hybrid that is having an effect on the WTF of our current societal makeup and the counter effects and developing society.

Media has become the new parent, friend, and influence of development and developmental stages.

America, we better wake up.

The next few blogs will explore media, our development, both positives and possible negatives.

The kicker in all of this...her dances, some of them...truly wake you up, shocking the system in their fragile raw destructive and menacing beauty.

I'm just not sure if its appropriate is all.

Sometimes some things are positive and negative at the same time.


Catch a few episodes of "Toddlers and Tiaras"...Dr. Drew was able to id that "Boo Boo juice" was liken to crack. But some mothers on this show continue to create an addiction base in their children with candy. I am sure there are strengths in having your child in these pageants...but so far, one child screaming "I hate it" while her mother hands her a candy bar as a bribe to dance. And yet, I must admit, Honey Boo Boo, who now has a spin off show, seems to have gained a stronger sense of confidence than she may have had otherwise given all contributing factors in her life. Final note...on the episode of "Toddlers and Tiaras; America's Genuine Jewel Pageant" one person got it right. He described himself as the "father figure" in a little girl's life, and that he had tagged along on the fitting because he was concerned about what the word "tribal" would mean as a costume choice indicating his concern the outfit might be rather scarce in fabric. As the little girl bent down to stand on her head while doing a splits in the air, her outfit parting dead center between her legs, her mother smiling approvingly, he noted that he didn't understand that move, that it "might be a dance but not the kind of dance she needs to be doing, I saw that in  Chris Brown video". Her mother, smiling in the camera stated "it's my daughter and I get to decide what she wears".

Yes, mommy...yes you do. And Chris Brown is having video try outs soon.